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I just discovered this little wonderful gadget the other day. If you want, you can go to the sidebar of my blog and click on that instead. But anyway, as a form of shameless non-self promotion, I'm going to proclaim both my love for SocialVibe and also for To Write Love On Her Arms. Help me out or choose a different cause (that's fine too).


The Movie Mistress



The Lost Boys- Wait, there are vampires that are Scary? No way!


I recently had the pleasure of witnessing firsthand the wonderfulness of this 1980s vampire flick, and all I can say is FUCK TWILIGHT. Why can't there be more batlike, terrifying Kiefer Sutherland vampires and less sparkly Rob Pattinson vampires? I don't know if I fully agreed with the R-rating of this movie, but I certainly agreed with the fact that the vampires were not just "sexy," but also genuinely frightening, unlike Twilight, in which your biggest fear and expectation is that Edward is going to pull a Mary Sunshine in reverse and reveal himself to actually be a woman. That actually would have made the story more interesting and worth watching. 

 "I know what you are."
"Say it."
"You're... Emo."
"Actually, I'm a woman."

Unfortunately, he just stays a pale, sparkly man who later becomes all moral about sex before marriage. I mean... I haven't read Twilight.... what? 

Anyway, this is one of those movies where the overdone cheesiness is actually what drives it. In classic so-bad-it's-fantastic fashion, I found myself craving more lines such as "You'd better get yourself a garlic T-shirt, buddy, or it's your funeral!" (I admit, I cheated on that one- I remembered the line but couldn't remember it verbatim so I went on IMDB. So sue me.) I actually live for epically absurd lines. I think they make watching movies that much more enjoyable, especially in a large group of people. 



You really cannot get more epic than that. Vampires are just not shown the way they should be shown anymore- as seductive, yet still fucking shit-inducing freakish. You can't just have it one way. I'm sorry, but sparkly is not scary. It just looks like he cheated on her with a stripper the night before. Red eyes and ridiculously epic makeup, on the other hand? Brilliant. Even Tom Cruise was scarier than Stephenie Meyer's creation in Interview. And that's saying something. I mean, it's fucking Tom Cruise. Weird and creepy? Yes. But the man's five foot seven and jumps on couches. I'm pretty sure I could take him.

I miss seeing vampires that actually make me want to shut my windows and hang garlic on the locks. You aren't supposed to want Keifer Sutherland the way that all those thirteen year old girls want Rob Pattinson (even though he looks like he should be hospitalized due to exhaustion). You're supposed to be scared of him. Please, please, Hollywood, give us all a legit scary vampire movie again. Even if does mean nausea-inducing campiness.

Bring it on.


The Movie Mistress


Double Feature Friday- Happy Thanksgiving!!

Because I was stuffing myself with tofurkey yesterday, I found it necessary to devote today's Double Feature to the most All-American holiday- one in which people surround, and plan everything around, and practically worship, FOOD. It took some thinking to scour Hollywood for movies that I've seen that have Thanksgiving involved, since most filmmakers just bypass it in order to capitalize on Christmas since December is a bigger moviegoing season than November. Anyway, after much deliberation, I came up with the following:

Molly's Pilgrim

Do you remember having to read this book in 4th grade? I totally do, and I also remember watching the movie over and over again because of how wonderful the message of the story was. It's one of those stories that keeps on being relevant even as the years go on. It's a short film, yes, but it counts in my book (it did win an Oscar for Best Live Action Short- and yes, I already knew that; I didn't just read the front of the box). If we are celebrating a holiday about being American every year, what better film to watch than one that reminds us that we all chose to call ourselves American because somewhere along the way, our families came from somewhere else? It's one of the most touching and realistic stories out there, and a good reminder that America is a melting pot of cultures. If you haven't read the book or seen the movie, do so right fucking now. It will make you want to celebrate Thanksgiving even more than you already do.

Miracle on 34th St

I know that this film is largely considered a Christmas movie, but it does start with the Macy's Day Parade, which was yesterday. There's no competition between the original and the 1994 version, so I'm not going to even discuss which one I like better. What's great about this film is that it is about Thanksgiving, but it also takes the mentality that Thanksgiving is the start of the countdown to Christmas (which, for a lot of people, including my own family, is totally true). So it's a great movie to watch for Thanksgiving because you get to be reminded of what you're thankful for AND get excited for the holiday season. Plus, 6 year old Natalie Wood is fucking adorable (even if you're one of the people who happens to think the relationship between herself and Santa Claus is creepy... but let's not dwell on that for now). Overall, it's a wonderful movie that should become a tradition in someone's household, somewhere, sometime, at some point.


The Movie Mistress


Requiem for A Dream


So, I firmly believe that every middle schooler should watch this movie and as a result the drug problem in America would be solved. No questions asked. I am never doing heroin because of seeing this movie. I am not going to use the word "disturbing" because

1) that's all you hear when you hear mention of this film, and
2) "disturbing" normally implies subject matter that you don't want to think about or that is completely taboo, whereas this is something that needs to be seen and thought about

This movie was provocative and dark, and although I liked Pi much better, I still found this one to be immensely captivating. The main gimmick and selling point of this film is the editing. It's cut in such a sharp, unique way that blocks together sounds with images that are completely unrelated and as a result creates a simple effect that's fucking phenomenal. An example of this is the food disappearing from a the mother's plate through stop motion anim with the sound effect of a plane in the background. Who the fuck thought to piece those together? It's totally not expected and unequivocally awesome.

In an interview with Darren Aronofsky, he referred to this film as being not a drug movie, but a movie about broken dreams. While I don't necessarily agree with that because every single character develops some kind of addiction, one of the things I love about this film is that it gets back to the root and inherent causes of the addictions. You can't mask an addiction to heroin by saying that once you leave, it will go away. Aronofsky paints a beautiful and dark picture of what happens when you hold onto your dreams so much that you lose all sense of what's really happening. At its heart, this movie is about denial of one's addictions. I love the scene in which the mother is dancing around the living room in front of the TV wearing her "stardom" dress. In my opinion, it's one of the most brilliantly cut scenes of all time because of how much we get sucked in to her own fucked up world through the visual effects, but Ellen Burstyn's acting takes us out of that world because we can observe her in a third party way.

My one criticism of this movie is the lack of resolution. I would say that that's typical Aronofsky, but Pi was totally resolved at the end, and so was the Wrestler. I just felt that a subject matter such as the one above should have a fucking conclusive ending, whether it be happy or sad.

I reviewed this because it was on the list for the November 1001 Movie Club Reviews, even though I just joined and therefore won't start until December. But I say fuck rules, so I'm posting it for you all to read. I'll be official some other time and it will be just peachy.


The Movie Mistress


Double Feature Friday- Memory, All Alone in the Moonlight...

Thanksgiving is about remembering the past and getting drunk to deal with your crazy family in the present. However, because I was going to use next week's DFF to talk about Turkey Day (or, for some of us, Tofurkey Day), this week we'll do films that showcase the next best thing to sharing old stories and yelling at Crazy Aunt Frieda for letting her dog shit in your house once again: memories. There are tons of films that use them. I'm pretty sure that once editing became a respected art with legit funding, the first idea that came to the ACEr's wonderful little heads was the idea of the flashback. Are you ready? Let's go back in time...

La Vie En Rose

This movie is the queen of jumping around from memory to memory so that you have no clue where the fuck Edith Piaf is in her life and yet still you're enraptured. It took me three times of watching to put together which fragments of her life go where, but I still enjoy it as much as I did the very first time I saw it. I even have the soundtrack. It's awesome. I consider this a flashback movie because of the way it's structured, beginning toward the end of her life and ending with a montage of scenes throughout the movie. It's great because rather than watching a biopic about Edith Piaf, it's like we're watching a biopic through the mind of Edith Piaf. We're in her memories. If you haven't ever seen it, stop reading my fucking blog and rent it NOW.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

How could I do a double feature about memories and not include this movie? It fucking blew my mind the first time I saw it, and I still love it to death. There is no other movie that depicts the idea of a soul mate better. Okay, it might not be better than What Dreams May Come, but it comes close. It brings a whole new meaning to "be careful what you wish for"- we may want to forget our bad memories, but in reality our memories make us who we are, the good and the bad, and you may think you want to have a clean slate and start anew but when you think about it, it's fucking terrifying. I love, love, love when the two main characters are running through memories trying to stay "alive" in his head. I also love that even after forgetting each other completely, Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet are still meant to be together. Now everybody sigh for happy endings. 1...2....3.....


The Movie Mistress


Funny Tom-Foolery


Normally I'm skeptical of celebrity-inspired sketch comedy, but this guy does a pretty spot on Tom Cruise. It makes me wonder if Tom WOULD make a better, less creepy Edward. Plus, all the ridiculous costumes (which are just as ridiculous in the trailer) made me laugh. I did find the glasses distracting, but I guess it was to keep the theme of Risky Business. Either way, this video was still entertaining, mocking both pop culture and ridiculous acting choices.

Any Twilight/ Tom Cruise fans, feel free to defend yourselves.


The Movie Mistress


Love for All Ages? Or Just those Over Fifty?


I don't know about you, but most romantic comedies involving old people skeez me out a bit. I mean, do you remember About Schmidt? Not that that was a romantic comedy, but I never, ever want to see Jack Nicholson and Kathy Bates in a hot tub together ever again. And then there was Last Chance Harvey, Nights in Rodanthe and Whatever Works (which skeezes me out even more because of the My Fair Lady complex). It's as if romantic comedies are moving to an older age gap. 

...a classic.

Maybe I'm just going crazy. But it just feels like my generation doesn't dig When Harry Met Sally. Which is sad, because it's a really good movie. It just feels like more effort is being put into the rom-coms for older generations these days. While It's Complicated looks really good, I still don't know how I feel about watching older people have sex. Maybe when I'm that age I'll feel differently, but for now they just remind me of my parents, which is fucking weird as shit. So while Hollywood is popping up with really creative romantic comedies for the baby boomers, my generation is stuck with 27 Dresses and Leap Year: formulated, by-the-book, and, well, boring. Really. I could have stopped watching The Accidental Husband (which went straight-to-video, in case you were wondering) at the beginning because I knew exactly what was going to happen. I honestly have no idea what will happen at the end of It's Complicated, the same way that no one could predict what happened at the end of My Best Friend's Wedding

All I'm saying is, just try, Hollywood! Try. You hit it on the nose with The Proposal. People my age dug it. We can appreciate chick flicks too if they start being good again. I don't want to be stuck watching people three times my age fall in love every time I want to be a fucking girl. Yes, romantic comedies are pretty predictable, but they shouldn't seem thrown together! 27 Dresses didn't even try to put in any original or realistic material. I found it so fucking boring. Seriously. 

...not something I really want to see...

This movie looks good. I'll go see it. I just wish I could see an ad for a movie like that involving people closer to my age. What do you think?


The Movie Mistress


That's One Way to Advertise a Product

epic fail pictures
see more Epic Fails

I read Failblog on a regular basis, and whenever I find something related to movies I try to post as something fun to read. I've never seen this movie, but the description slapped on paired with the little silhouette of a stripper in the left hand corner of the title seems to sum up the plot. I'm skeptical of whether it can beat Zombie Strippers, however. I doubt Jessica Biel has better breasts than Jenna Jameson.


The Movie Mistress


French Kiss, Irish Kiss, They're All the Same...


Now, ladies and gentlemen, can you tell me why I'm getting the weirdest feeling of dejavue? 

Think back. 

Fifteen years back. 

Is it coming to you? 

Okay, here's a hint:


Is it just me, or has Hollywood moved from remakes to just blatantly reusing ideas and trying to make them seem original? I mean, yes, I get it, every rom-com has the pretty much the same formula- if they didn't, people wouldn't go see them. However, if there is a storyline that already happened that

1) had better actors
2) had a more believable plotline, and
3) hadn't already been done,

you probably should just think of another movie to make. Romantic comedies are a dime a dozen- the least you can do is think of something original. Why do you think Knocked Up was so immensely popular?

Now, I don't know about you, but I respect Amy Adams. I really think she is a genuinely good actor. It makes me sad to see her in something like this, which just looks, well, bad. However, as the Movie Mistress, I don't discriminate and will try to see every movie that I can and give it a fair shot. But hear me out here as I explain why this movie will most likely fail and why French Kiss worked:

Leap Year takes place (I'm assuming) currently. So when Amy Adams' BF tells her he's going abroad for a while, because we live in a modern world, you would think that the most logical thing for her to do is to buy him an international cell phone. We have Facebook! We have video chat! We are globalized. This is not our parents' long distance relationship, people. We are liberated.

Instead, however, she decides she's so desperate to be engaged and so afraid he'll leave her while abroad ("if you like it then you should have put a ring on it!") that she goes to propose to him herself. As if women can ONLY propose to men on Leap Year. Any other time? Nope. Sorry. Tough luck. Women, equal to men? Pshhh. Preposterous! Proposing is a man's job, like working and voting. At least, according to dear old Hollywood.

French Kiss, on the other hand, took place in 1995. So it was pretty believable that when Meg Ryan's fiance called her, she would have no way of ever getting in touch with him unless she traveled to Paris herself and visited his hotel. Plus, she had way more motivation to travel there- some French chick stole her man! What reason did Amy Adams have to go? Oh right. If she didn't, he might NEVER propose and then she would be shamed by reaching thirty without a ring! Horrors.

And the troubles Meg faced- pickpockets, U.S. embassy nightmares, were completely legit, unlike plugging in a blackberry and shutting down power for an entire town (as Amy Adams apparently does)- which, by the way, happens in another romantic comedy called Just Married. Remember that one? Also familiar. Like I said, we are in a modern world, and I'm pretty sure that even in northern UK they are equipped with technology. Globalization is a beautiful thing.

I'll probably see this movie. If I remember to, since it doesn't come out until June. But judging by the fact that the trailer is coming out now, my bet is that it will be a straight to video. So maybe I'll pick it up there. Buuuut I might just get French Kiss instead.


The Movie Mistress


When B-List Movies Capitalize

Apparently, Troll 2 is not the one banking off its sly marketing schemes. I found this at totally looks like:

beyond suspicion totally looks like under suspicion
see more Celeb Look-A-Likes

I mean, really? It's like battle of the A-lists and the B-lists (Jeff Goldblum, don't even try to pretend you belong in the first category. It won't work) to see whose movie sells better. Even though they most likely have the exact same plot. Hell, they probably both even reused the same generic crime scene sets.

Hmm... maybe I'll make a poll. Which one would YOU go see? Because for me, personally, I'd go see Jeff Goldblum. I mean, if I'm going to see a shitty detective movie, I might as well go all the way and not even bother with decent acting. At least that way, I'm not stuck feeling bad for the actors who had to whore themselves out and not get anything out of it. But I'd like to hear people's thoughts on this (if there are any).


The Movie Mistress


Anjelina, You Can't Have it All

So, I saw this trailer today.

And the one thing that went through my head was, Anjelina Jolie looks really fucking old. But I googled her right afterward, and she's only thirty-five! So then I watched the trailer again. And there was that thought again. Has she been botoxing lately or something? There's just something about her and this movie that don't mesh. I'm not sure why, but she just looks silly. It's like she is trying to recreate Lara Croft ten years later. I mean, this movie looks awesome, but just watching the trailer makes me tired. How am I going to feel with two hours of run-down Anjelina? Fuck.

You can't do it all, Anjie. It's ok to focus your energy on orphaned African children and play more quiet roles like A Mighty Heart. No one will knock you. But I'm telling you, something here just didn't click with me. And I generally respect Anjelina Jolie as an actress. I'm not saying this out of spite or because I think she is better at community service. I'm saying that sometimes, if you're doing too much, it shows. Slow down, Anjie! You don't need to play the action star now even if in the past you were badass and awesome. It's ok- people will still love you. 

Am I the only one whose seeing this when watching the trailer? 


The Movie Mistress


Double Feature Friday- Born On this Day...

So, there are quite a few birthdays on November 6 in the movie industry. Happy birthday to Mike Nichols, Sally Field, Ethan Hawke, Thandie Newton, and Rebecca Romijn! Because, however, this is a double feature, and not a quintuple feature, I can only highlight two (or choose to only highlight two for the sake of continuity). To mix things up, let's do a director and an actor. Ethan Hawke's a tool, so he's out. I love Sally Field, but she's better known for her TV work. That leaves Thandie and Rebecca. Because this isn't a democracy, I'm picking Thandie Newton because she's a badass. So happy birthday Mike and Thandie! Here we go:

Postcards from the Edge (1990) 
Directed by Mike Nichols 

The first time I saw this movie, I was way too young. Like, seriously. I watched it and was like "WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED." Dennis Quaid as a dick? Meryl Streep on drugs? Toss in Shirley MacLaine as an overwhelming mother, and you've got one confused twelve year old who never wants to see another Mike Nichols movie ever again. I got it as a gift a few years later, however, and after cringing, I gave it another try, and I have to say that I'm glad I did because this movie is fucking brilliant. There's nothing like a good satire on Hollywood, and while nothing can really top Sunset Boulevard, this movie comes pretty damn close. I'm a big fan of super dark humor, and while I am a little sketched out by resolved endings in movies such as this one, I let it go because it was just that good. Plus, I doubt Carrie Fisher would have made her own life story a happy ending if it hadn't actually been that way (by the way, if you ever get the chance to read any of her books, DO IT. She's awesome.), so I give her some credit. If you're ever in the mood to get an accurate depiction/ satire of life in Hollywood, go rent this movie. It has tons of memorable moments (such as Shirley MacLaine claiming to not have sung in years and then whipping out a full Broadway piece) and will make you laugh in an awkward way.

Run, Fat Boy, Run (2007)
Starring Simon Pegg, Thandie Newton, Hank Azaria

So I know this isn't the best creation of Simon Pegg, but I still found it immensely hilarious, and I really wish that Pegg and Michael Ian Black would come together and create more love children in the form of comedies. It doesn't help that I also fucking love Hank Azaria, and, because she's in the spotlight, Thandie Newton (hers was one of the only characters I actually liked in Crash, but I'll riff on that movie another day). She provided an accurate picture of a woman that you would want to win back (remember Role Models and wondering why the fuck Paul Rudd is wasting his time with that bitch? But I digress). Not only was she adorable, but it was so fucking believable that she could be strong and awesome and yet still fall for a douchebag at the same time. Plus you'd have to not have a heart to not love the relationship between herself and her son. If you didn't find her believable as a mom, get out of my house. Anyway, this movie may have been over the top, silly, and completely outrageous, but who doesn't laugh in the face of Erectile Dysfunction Disorder? 

So there you have it. If these people had not been born, these movies might have not existed or been completely different. That's right- the Movie Mistress just gave you a deep psychological thought. You can fill in your Smart Quota for today. 


The Movie Mistress

For more birthdays, click here.


Titanic Was 12 Years Ago? Really?


With the hype of James Cameron's new film, Avatar, coming out in December (of which, by the way, I still haven't figured out the plot but am more excited now that I know Sigourney Weaver is going to be in it because she kicks ass), I decided to spotlight James Cameron's next biggest commercial success,


I had to put it in bold letters because there's no other way to describe it. No other movie instills the amount of groaning and foreboding as this epic monstrosity. Don't get me wrong- I fucking love this movie. It's brilliant. But when looking at a list of movies to watch during my free time, I chuck


out the window. Don't act like you have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about. This is an amazing movie, but no one in their right mind is going to watch it. It's a one time deal. A short (well, not-so-short) fling with someone who you have immense respect for but never want to talk to again. And here's why:

1) I don't care if it's now on DVD. I still associate it with having to change VHS tapes in the middle of the movie, right before the boat starts to sink. If I remember correctly, it freezes on Rose's face. That can put a serious damper on the movie watching experience (especially with such a long movie) because you have to rewind the first tape, put it away, and then put in the second one and rewind it because you were probably too tired to rewind the last time you watched


That is, if you make it to putting in the second tape. Most likely, you will have fallen asleep while the first one is rewinding because it's one in the morning already. Everytime I even contemplate watching this movie, that's the first thing that comes to mind (and it isn't like I bought the DVD when I already have the VHS). I don't care if you call me lazy. You probably think the exact same thing.

2) The acting. I can never get over having to watch fucking Billy Zane from The Phantom play a villain. I grew up watching that movie, and now every time I watch


I can't take him seriously. It's the fucking Phantom! I'm all for B-list superheroes, but come on. Also, don't tell me that this movie made Leonardo DiCaprio's career. He was already a star before this movie, and if anything, it dampened his success because people didn't take him seriously for at least another 7 or 8 years. It cemented his image as a pretty boy in the minds of eight year old girls everywhere. He's talented enough that even if he hadn't shouted "Don't let go!" he would have been just as successful.

3) Britney Spears. She has forever ruined any prestige that


once had. Remember this?

Oh yeah. The heartwarming, romantic plot of this epic movie is now a giant ploy for getting laid, thanks to Britney.

Okay, so I realize that I'm being a little harsh. Let me make this clear: I love this movie. The plot is entertaining, the special effects fucking rock my socks off, and I think it deserved its Oscars. However, I don't like watching it because of its massive success and influence everywhere you go. I'm saying this in the hopes that Avatar won't end up the same way, because it looks pretty good, despite having no clue what the plot is.


The Movie Mistress


Troll 2: A Recipe For Meatless Disaster


How do go about describing a movie whose sole purpose was to capitalize off of the fame of an earlier and more successful film? That seems like the only explanation for why this movie exists. Seriously. I mean, don't get me wrong- you all know I love bad movies to death, but this... this is a new low. 

Let's start with the creepy grandfather. If I was a little boy, and my dead grandpa was materializing in my room every night, I would not believe anything he said because 1) it's weird and 2) he's dead (plus, they never quite explained how or why he died, and only alluded to the fact that it might have had to do with trolls). Aaaaand don't forget that later we find out old gramps actually is burning in Hell. What a great family bonding moment! 

I'm convinced that this movie was just a giant PSA for anti-vegetarianism. If meat was the one saving factor, and Grandpa knew about it the entire time, what the fuck was he doing giving the poor little kid whose generic name escapes me stupid tests and time limits? You aren't Mr. Miyagi, you creepy old man. That poor kid is not going through any sort of training. He just wants to be loved! And some psychotherapy sessions. Plus, if the goblins have to turn people into vegetables, why go through the trouble? Why not just eat.... well, vegetables? 

I'm sad to say there are a lot of those moments involving the goblins (yes, goblins- I know this movie is called Troll 2). For example, as people they have shotguns that they use to theaten the idiotic family with, but the moment they change into monsters, their guns become giant sticks. Because giant clubs are SO much more menacing than guns. You hear that, kids? Eat lots of meat and carry a gun with you everywhere you go. Go America!

"They're eating my mommy!" 

So, this kid is going to have to go through MASSIVE amounts of therapy, and might possibly become a paranoid schizo when he reaches adulthood. However, that really doesn't change the fact that his mother did absolutely NOTHING for him throughout the entire film. His parents were the shittiest movie parents I've ever seen. Your son's having a recurring hallucination of grandpa? Family road trip time!! He asks to stop the car to talk to a homeless man? Perfectly normal. Nothing to worry about. He almost gets harassed by all the "people" in the town? Meh. Let's have a get-together! 

So, if you're fucking confused as shit by now, which I'm sure you are, you should go rent this movie. Wait- scratch that. Go illegally download it somewhere. Because the makers of this movie should not still be getting paid for it to be seen. It still deserves to be watched however, preferably with a shot of Jack Daniels to help it go down easier. 


The Movie Mistress


Oh, November

Monday, Monday. I realized today that November seems to be a hot season for movies. There's something for everyone coming out this weekend:

And next weekend:

And the weekend after that:

Aaaaaand the weekend after that!


The Movie Mistress


The Top Five Most Terrifying Movies

Happy Day After Halloween! Welcome to the Movie Mistress' favorite holiday, where I can watch actually watch scary movies because the day before was just spent getting drunk. For the sake of being creative, I didn't want to limit myself to just writing about Halloween movies, because I pretty much did that Friday. Instead, I'm going to showcase movies that have scared the shit out of me. These aren't necessarily all meant to be scary movies or horror-related for that matter. They are, however, frightening. I apologize if I've ever written about any of them before, but hey, movies can be included on more than one list, and I'm only human. In no particular order:

Let me just say that Angelica Houston is a badass. She is one of the most underrated actresses in Hollywood, and to this day I am fucking frightened of her portrayal as the head witch in The Witches. Now, I was always a fan of the book version because of the difference in content (including the ending, which left you with more of a sense of hope as well as realism in the book), but the characteristics of the witches stayed pretty consistent, and I know at one point I was afraid the head witch (who creepily pulls off her face during the movie) was going to kill me. That's enough to scare you into not bathing for a week.

Where do I begin? How about the fact that a ten year old is neglected and left in the woods for dead (even if he is a robot)? Any child under the age of twelve will be terrified that their parents will leave them out of the blue. Or what about the fact that once he's in the woods, he's chased down by the most terrifying robotic dogs ever to come to the screen? I think those mechanic pit bulls gave me nightmares for weeks. Oh, and don't forget the acid that almost gets dumped on our poor main character's face. Or that creepy teddy bear that follows him around and talks like he came from a bad acid trip. This movie provides job security for therapists everywhere.

Up until the end, this movie is terrifying. Quoting one of the other blogs I read, Adnoxious, there is nothing scarier than twins that speak in unison. Make them into ghosts and you've got a movie that's sure to deliver you a blow to the head in the form of being mentally haunted by weird annoying children in ugly dresses. Seriously, like, Jack Nicholson was not the scary part of this movie. It was the fact that the hallway echoed with the voices of murdered twins wherever I went. I am never going to look at a tricycle the same way, nor am I going to ride one down a long, incredibly creepy yellow hallway towards a set of telepathically connected sisters.

I don't know why, but there really doesn't seem to be anything creepier than animals that think they're human. It's weird. And unhealthy, obviously, judging by the fact that half the movie consisted of people being attacked by birds. I have never really gotten over the scene where the Brenners walk outside to a chorus of birds surrounding them. Maybe it's because growing up I did have pet birds and they did used to look at me like I was their worst enemy and must be annihilated. Or it could be that Hitchcock's a fucking genius. Either way, this movie makes the list.

Um, Princess Mombi would make me shit my pants if I ever met her in real life. That bitch is crazy. The glass cases full of heads that she takes on and off? Terrifying. It doesn't help that she's played by the same actress who doubles as the head nurse in the sanitorium, which, can I say, is also frightening. Dorothy's getting electro-shock therapy! Disney, how could you? I mean, I know you also allowed Bambi's mom to get iced and Dumbo to get fucking wasted off his ass, but this kind of neglect for the child screening goes beyond words.

So there you go. Enjoy your November 1! Day of the Dead is good enough for a fright fest in my book. 


The Movie Mistress