The Lost Boys- Wait, there are vampires that are Scary? No way!

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I recently had the pleasure of witnessing firsthand the wonderfulness of this 1980s vampire flick, and all I can say is FUCK TWILIGHT. Why can't there be more batlike, terrifying Kiefer Sutherland vampires and less sparkly Rob Pattinson vampires? I don't know if I fully agreed with the R-rating of this movie, but I certainly agreed with the fact that the vampires were not just "sexy," but also genuinely frightening, unlike Twilight, in which your biggest fear and expectation is that Edward is going to pull a Mary Sunshine in reverse and reveal himself to actually be a woman. That actually would have made the story more interesting and worth watching. 

 "I know what you are."

"Say it."

"You're... Emo."

"Actually, I'm a woman."

Unfortunately, he just stays a pale, sparkly man who later becomes all moral about sex before marriage. I mean... I haven't read Twilight.... what? 

Anyway, this is one of those movies where the overdone cheesiness is actually what drives it. In classic so-bad-it's-fantastic fashion, I found myself craving more lines such as "You'd better get yourself a garlic T-shirt, buddy, or it's your funeral!" (I admit, I cheated on that one- I remembered the line but couldn't remember it verbatim so I went on IMDB. So sue me.) I actually live for epically absurd lines. I think they make watching movies that much more enjoyable, especially in a large group of people. 

((SPOILER ALERT))

 

You really cannot get more epic than that. Vampires are just not shown the way they should be shown anymore- as seductive, yet still fucking shit-inducing freakish. You can't just have it one way. I'm sorry, but sparkly is not scary. It just looks like he cheated on her with a stripper the night before. Red eyes and ridiculously epic makeup, on the other hand? Brilliant. Even Tom Cruise was scarier than Stephenie Meyer's creation in Interview. And that's saying something. I mean, it's fucking Tom Cruise. Weird and creepy? Yes. But the man's five foot seven and jumps on couches. I'm pretty sure I could take him.

I miss seeing vampires that actually make me want to shut my windows and hang garlic on the locks. You aren't supposed to want Keifer Sutherland the way that all those thirteen year old girls want Rob Pattinson (even though he looks like he should be hospitalized due to exhaustion). You're supposed to be scared of him. Please, please, Hollywood, give us all a legit scary vampire movie again. Even if does mean nausea-inducing campiness.

Bring it on.

Peace!

The Movie Mistress

Double Feature Friday- Happy Thanksgiving!!

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Because I was stuffing myself with tofurkey yesterday, I found it necessary to devote today's Double Feature to the most All-American holiday- one in which people surround, and plan everything around, and practically worship, FOOD. It took some thinking to scour Hollywood for movies that I've seen that have Thanksgiving involved, since most filmmakers just bypass it in order to capitalize on Christmas since December is a bigger moviegoing season than November. Anyway, after much deliberation, I came up with the following:

Molly's Pilgrim


Do you remember having to read this book in 4th grade? I totally do, and I also remember watching the movie over and over again because of how wonderful the message of the story was. It's one of those stories that keeps on being relevant even as the years go on. It's a short film, yes, but it counts in my book (it did win an Oscar for Best Live Action Short- and yes, I already knew that; I didn't just read the front of the box). If we are celebrating a holiday about being American every year, what better film to watch than one that reminds us that we all chose to call ourselves American because somewhere along the way, our families came from somewhere else? It's one of the most touching and realistic stories out there, and a good reminder that America is a melting pot of cultures. If you haven't read the book or seen the movie, do so right fucking now. It will make you want to celebrate Thanksgiving even more than you already do.

Miracle on 34th St


I know that this film is largely considered a Christmas movie, but it does start with the Macy's Day Parade, which was yesterday. There's no competition between the original and the 1994 version, so I'm not going to even discuss which one I like better. What's great about this film is that it is about Thanksgiving, but it also takes the mentality that Thanksgiving is the start of the countdown to Christmas (which, for a lot of people, including my own family, is totally true). So it's a great movie to watch for Thanksgiving because you get to be reminded of what you're thankful for AND get excited for the holiday season. Plus, 6 year old Natalie Wood is fucking adorable (even if you're one of the people who happens to think the relationship between herself and Santa Claus is creepy... but let's not dwell on that for now). Overall, it's a wonderful movie that should become a tradition in someone's household, somewhere, sometime, at some point.


Peace!


The Movie Mistress

Requiem for A Dream

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So, I firmly believe that every middle schooler should watch this movie and as a result the drug problem in America would be solved. No questions asked. I am never doing heroin because of seeing this movie. I am not going to use the word "disturbing" because

1) that's all you hear when you hear mention of this film, and
2) "disturbing" normally implies subject matter that you don't want to think about or that is completely taboo, whereas this is something that needs to be seen and thought about

This movie was provocative and dark, and although I liked Pi much better, I still found this one to be immensely captivating. The main gimmick and selling point of this film is the editing. It's cut in such a sharp, unique way that blocks together sounds with images that are completely unrelated and as a result creates a simple effect that's fucking phenomenal. An example of this is the food disappearing from a the mother's plate through stop motion anim with the sound effect of a plane in the background. Who the fuck thought to piece those together? It's totally not expected and unequivocally awesome.

In an interview with Darren Aronofsky, he referred to this film as being not a drug movie, but a movie about broken dreams. While I don't necessarily agree with that because every single character develops some kind of addiction, one of the things I love about this film is that it gets back to the root and inherent causes of the addictions. You can't mask an addiction to heroin by saying that once you leave, it will go away. Aronofsky paints a beautiful and dark picture of what happens when you hold onto your dreams so much that you lose all sense of what's really happening. At its heart, this movie is about denial of one's addictions. I love the scene in which the mother is dancing around the living room in front of the TV wearing her "stardom" dress. In my opinion, it's one of the most brilliantly cut scenes of all time because of how much we get sucked in to her own fucked up world through the visual effects, but Ellen Burstyn's acting takes us out of that world because we can observe her in a third party way.

My one criticism of this movie is the lack of resolution. I would say that that's typical Aronofsky, but Pi was totally resolved at the end, and so was the Wrestler. I just felt that a subject matter such as the one above should have a fucking conclusive ending, whether it be happy or sad.

I reviewed this because it was on the list for the November 1001 Movie Club Reviews, even though I just joined and therefore won't start until December. But I say fuck rules, so I'm posting it for you all to read. I'll be official some other time and it will be just peachy.

Peace!

The Movie Mistress