Ok, so here's the criteria: I put together the most epic movie lines that I think deserve blogging because of their merit. I'm not talking epic movie scenes; that would be a whole other list. I think the lines have to be able to stand on their own without the help of the surrounding scene. I also tried not to include overrated movie lines (you won't find "here's looking at you, kid" here). So here we go:
"Yippy kayay, mother fucker!"
- John McClane (Bruce Willis), Die Hard
Why it's awesome: There's something about shouting "mother fucker!" at an enemy that just gets my blood boiling every time. Not only does this come at the end of the movie when you just want to see Bruce come out of hiding and kick some terrorist ass, but the thought of shouting "mother fucker" in what is considered to be by many a Christmas movie just rocks in and of itself.
"I want my father back, you son of a bitch."
- Inigo Montoya (Mandy Patinkin), The Princess Bride
Why it's awesome: You think that because Inigo has spent the past few moments asking the six-fingered man for money, that he's going to accept some sort of bride, so when he busts out with this quote and then stabs the fucker in the chest, there is no other way to describe the most important moment of this character's life than as totally and awesomely epic.
"I kick ass for the Lord!"
- Father McGruder (Stuart Devenie), Braindead (aka Dead Alive)
Why it's awesome: Um... if I heard a priest shout this from a rooftop, jump down and then kick a zombie in the face, I'm pretty sure I'd kill myself because my life would be complete. This is one of my favorite movie quotes of all time. Period the end.
"Spartans, tonight we dine in Hell!"
- King Leonidas (Gerard Butler), 300
Why it's awesome: This entire movie is epic, but this quote pretty much sums up the entire plot of the movie in one sentence. Any quote that is able to cover two hours in three seconds is totally fucking epic.
"He won't even know your name."
- Mercedes (Maribel Verdu), Pan's Labyrinth
(Spoiler alert!!) Why it's awesome: We already have our tearducts shot by this point in the movie, so being able to see the fucker that killed our hero be deprived of his dignity is just chilling. I can imagine that dying knowing that your own son will grow up thinking someone else is his father is ten billion times worse than dying knowing you left death and destruction in your wake, and this villain did both. Not that he died twice. Although, that would have made an epic ending as well.
“Jason, say hello to Mommy... in Hell.”
- Whitney Miller (Amanda Righetti), Friday the 13th (2009)
Why it’s awesome: What is it about involving Hell at the end of a sentence that makes a line brilliant? It's like playing the "in bed" game with fortune cookies. It worked in 300, and it works in this movie, and if Whitney (who is really just useless until this part of the movie) had just said "say hello to mommy" and then pushed Jason into the sawmill, this quote would not have made the cut. As it is, however, I consider it epic.
“How can anyone love a pebble in their shoe?”
- Baroness Rodmilla de Gent (Angelica Houston), Ever After
Why it’s awesome: It’s Angelica Houston as the evil stepmother that makes this movie worth watching, and if this line doesn’t sum up how badass she is, I’m not sure what does. This one line makes up for Drew Barrymore’s godawful English accent, the not-so-accurate 16th century costuming, and absurd plot that fails to appear as if it could actually happen, which is why after this line you don’t feel sad at all for Drew (who at this point is bringing about doe-eyed tears) and instead are left to bask in the glow of Angelica’s epicness.
“Madness? This is Sparta!!!”
-King Leonidas (Gerard Butler), 300
I have never seen one line be parodied via the internet in so many ways. King Leonidas didn’t just kill the messenger, but tossed him into a fucking pit with the most terrifying look I’ve ever seen. I don’t want him putting sauce on my pasta. Fuck.
“I may not be able to carry the ring, Mr. Frodo, but I can carry you!”
- Samwise Gamgee (Sean Astin), Lord of the Rings (the Return of the King)
Why it’s awesome: You have to hand it to Peter Jackson- he knows his epic movie lines. Sam has been pushed aside and stepped all over throughout the entire movie, and yet he still shows up for Frodo at the end (who later ditches him to go chill with elves). This line is epic because it is so fucking sincere and determined. It’s this line that makes you know for sure (whether you’ve read the books or not) that there is going to be a happy ending.
“I'm saying that when the President does it, it's not illegal!”
- Richard Nixon (Frank Langella), Frost/Nixon
Why it’s awesome: Granted, I sort of broke my own rule here because ‘it’ doesn’t really say anything and therefore makes the line not stand as well on its own, but given the line, I think that I can get away with it because its my rule. This line is awesome because it just makes my jaw drop every time I watch the movie. I know Washington politics are and have been crooked, but just thinking about having a president who thinks he’s above the law is creepy. Big Brother creepy. Hitler creepy. The epicness of this line comes from all the things you think about that happen behind closed doors, because what isn’t said is often way worse than what is.
So there you go. Finding epic lines is one of my favorite things to do when I watch movies, and if you think you have anything better, post. Discuss. Any movie can have epic lines, even if it isn’t an epic movie (or even a good movie). Pirates (the porno) has plenty of epic lines. Anyway, this is just a fun list I came up with, to give you an idea of how I voice my thoughts.
The Movie Mistress