The Lost Boys- Wait, there are vampires that are Scary? No way!

I recently had the pleasure of witnessing firsthand the wonderfulness of this 1980s vampire flick, and all I can say is FUCK TWILIGHT. Why can't there be more batlike, terrifying Kiefer Sutherland vampires and less sparkly Rob Pattinson vampires? I don't know if I fully agreed with the R-rating of this movie, but I certainly agreed with the fact that the vampires were not just "sexy," but also genuinely frightening, unlike Twilight, in which your biggest fear and expectation is that Edward is going to pull a Mary Sunshine in reverse and reveal himself to actually be a woman. That actually would have made the story more interesting and worth watching. 

 "I know what you are."
"Say it."
"You're... Emo."
"Actually, I'm a woman."

Unfortunately, he just stays a pale, sparkly man who later becomes all moral about sex before marriage. I mean... I haven't read Twilight.... what? 

Anyway, this is one of those movies where the overdone cheesiness is actually what drives it. In classic so-bad-it's-fantastic fashion, I found myself craving more lines such as "You'd better get yourself a garlic T-shirt, buddy, or it's your funeral!" (I admit, I cheated on that one- I remembered the line but couldn't remember it verbatim so I went on IMDB. So sue me.) I actually live for epically absurd lines. I think they make watching movies that much more enjoyable, especially in a large group of people. 



You really cannot get more epic than that. Vampires are just not shown the way they should be shown anymore- as seductive, yet still fucking shit-inducing freakish. You can't just have it one way. I'm sorry, but sparkly is not scary. It just looks like he cheated on her with a stripper the night before. Red eyes and ridiculously epic makeup, on the other hand? Brilliant. Even Tom Cruise was scarier than Stephenie Meyer's creation in Interview. And that's saying something. I mean, it's fucking Tom Cruise. Weird and creepy? Yes. But the man's five foot seven and jumps on couches. I'm pretty sure I could take him.

I miss seeing vampires that actually make me want to shut my windows and hang garlic on the locks. You aren't supposed to want Keifer Sutherland the way that all those thirteen year old girls want Rob Pattinson (even though he looks like he should be hospitalized due to exhaustion). You're supposed to be scared of him. Please, please, Hollywood, give us all a legit scary vampire movie again. Even if does mean nausea-inducing campiness.

Bring it on.


The Movie Mistress


  1. For me, this movie is a wee bit dated...but I'm with you, it trounces the sleep-watching shit out of TWILIGHT. Why? Because TWILIGHT is the least violent, least bloody vampire movies of all time.

    Heck, it's been about twenty years...I think it's high time LOST BOYS gets remade. This time with a tad less eighties.

    Great post!

  2. Totally! But then again, if it were remade now, you wouldn't have all the crazy vampire mullets. And we'd have to forget that the sequel exists, but that isn't very hard to do.