Troll 2: A Recipe For Meatless Disaster

How do go about describing a movie whose sole purpose was to capitalize off of the fame of an earlier and more successful film? That seems like the only explanation for why this movie exists. Seriously. I mean, don't get me wrong- you all know I love bad movies to death, but this... this is a new low. 

Let's start with the creepy grandfather. If I was a little boy, and my dead grandpa was materializing in my room every night, I would not believe anything he said because 1) it's weird and 2) he's dead (plus, they never quite explained how or why he died, and only alluded to the fact that it might have had to do with trolls). Aaaaand don't forget that later we find out old gramps actually is burning in Hell. What a great family bonding moment! 

I'm convinced that this movie was just a giant PSA for anti-vegetarianism. If meat was the one saving factor, and Grandpa knew about it the entire time, what the fuck was he doing giving the poor little kid whose generic name escapes me stupid tests and time limits? You aren't Mr. Miyagi, you creepy old man. That poor kid is not going through any sort of training. He just wants to be loved! And some psychotherapy sessions. Plus, if the goblins have to turn people into vegetables, why go through the trouble? Why not just eat.... well, vegetables? 

I'm sad to say there are a lot of those moments involving the goblins (yes, goblins- I know this movie is called Troll 2). For example, as people they have shotguns that they use to theaten the idiotic family with, but the moment they change into monsters, their guns become giant sticks. Because giant clubs are SO much more menacing than guns. You hear that, kids? Eat lots of meat and carry a gun with you everywhere you go. Go America!

"They're eating my mommy!" 

So, this kid is going to have to go through MASSIVE amounts of therapy, and might possibly become a paranoid schizo when he reaches adulthood. However, that really doesn't change the fact that his mother did absolutely NOTHING for him throughout the entire film. His parents were the shittiest movie parents I've ever seen. Your son's having a recurring hallucination of grandpa? Family road trip time!! He asks to stop the car to talk to a homeless man? Perfectly normal. Nothing to worry about. He almost gets harassed by all the "people" in the town? Meh. Let's have a get-together! 

So, if you're fucking confused as shit by now, which I'm sure you are, you should go rent this movie. Wait- scratch that. Go illegally download it somewhere. Because the makers of this movie should not still be getting paid for it to be seen. It still deserves to be watched however, preferably with a shot of Jack Daniels to help it go down easier. 


The Movie Mistress

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