G.I. Joe- Rise of the Cobra

Yes, I went to see this movie. I know what you’re thinking. Why would anyone go see it? And why is it at the top of the Box Office charts? Well, I got out of this movie exactly what I expected to get out of it: a really good time with lots of shit blowing up. It didn’t ever really feel like a movie… it felt like more of a video game that was, oh, non-participatory. There was a little bit too much animation at times, which annoyed me. Until I discovered something.

I discovered that once I pictured the movie in cartoon form, (trust me, it wasn’t hard to do- there’s already so much CGI that it’s animated almost constantly) I found it ten times more enjoyable. Seriously! All the voices (which, up until I decided to just treat it as such, had irritated the shit out of me) sounded like they came out of your Saturday morning super-hero cartoons, comic style. In particular, Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character, who sounded like what I suppose Darth Vader would sound like if he had emotions.

Plus, the characters spend most of their time bailing out other characters, which leaves the only real character development to be shown through cheesy flashbacks and sharply cut one-liners.

Basically, what we have here is a movie with hardly any plot (and the plot that is there isn’t really explained- ok, fuck that, nothing really makes sense) and shitty acting.
So why did I enjoy it? Three reasons.

1. The music. You know how I feel about music and movies, and this movie had a killer soundtrack which heightened the suspense.

2. It was exciting. Sure, watching a video game isn’t the same as playing a video game, but watching a jet fly behind a missile (and watching it from the jet’s perspective) is still pretty damn exciting.

3. There will be a sequel. At least, if there isn’t, the entire movie was pointless. I mean, just look at the title: GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra. The entire movie was just a setup for the actual story of Cobra (as ridiculous as that sounds). And yes, it may be a total marketing ploy, but it kind of makes you want to see the sequel when they don’t explain shit in the first movie. Tarantino did it. Spielberg did it. Hell, I don’t think the first Harry Potter movie would have been made if they didn’t know seven more would be coming. It gives you hope that you’ll find out more to the story.

And hope that you’ll get to see more shit blown up.

Anyway, I would say wait until this movie has been on DVD for a while, rent it for a dollar, and then go borrow your neighbor’s flatscreen. It’s the perfect type of movie for a party- exciting, and you don’t actually have to pay attention to know what’s going on. Plus, you’ll be imitating the villain’s voice because it’s just that ridiculous, and trust me, that will be infinitely more entertaining drunk. 


The Movie Mistress

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