The Twilight Saga: New Moon

A philosophical study on the nature of human emotion and integrity in the face of dust and doom, I found this film to be stocked with symbolism as well as an intelligent commentary on the youth in America.

Fuck it, I can't lie. I laughed my ass off the entire two hours and three minutes of this ridiculous movie. Because I like to give every movie a fighting chance to redeem itself, I sat through the entire thing, but I have to tell you, it was pretty hard. Quoting one of my friends sitting next to me, "I was way too sober for this movie." I used Dakota Fanning as the image above because she was the only one in the entire movie who actually gave the impression that she could act. Not only was the acting horrendous, but the special effects were awful. They creators paid no attention to detail whatsoever- I laughed whenever Edward sparkled because only his face was glittering and the rest of his body stayed the same. Even the chest hair. I mean, if I were a vampire, I'd at least want my chest hair to glisten. 

And don't even talk to me about the wolves. The CGI was so cracked out that when the wolves were fighting, they looked like squirrels during a mating ritual. What was supposed to be a tense fight scene turned into balls of fluff rolling around in the grass. Plus, after the first, oh, fifteen minutes I got bored of the slow-mo. Every single fight scene turned into the fucking Matrix. The whole point of watching vampires fight werewolves is to see how fast they can go, not how much editing can be done in post. An example: 

I'm sorry you had to suffer through that. Please wash your eyes accordingly. However, imagine two fucking hours of it. I actually wanted someone to die just so that the dumbass fighting would end and I could leave. I mean, you can't honestly tell me that you just watched that clip and didn't bust out laughing. If you did, I'd call you a fucking liar, or I'd call you this girl: 

I really hope for sanity's sake you didn't watch that entire video.

So here's my diagnosis: Rent it. Rent it when it comes out on DVD for fifty cents. Or put it in your Netflix queue- even better. Rent it and then become incredibly non-sober. I don't care how- that's your personal preference. But when it comes out on video, rest assured, I will post a Twilight Marathon Drinking Game Guide. It's become my mission to help any movie-goer get through this movie. Because I know what you're thinking- it's out, I should see it, I need to give every movie a chance. I know. I have the same philosophy. But sometimes you just need a little bit of support to get through a crisis.


The Movie Mistress


  1. I'm going to rent. I by no means hated the first. I appreciated some of it's attempts and it was overall entertaining, but unless this one is panty dropping good I'm not making it to the theater on any of them. Nonetheless, your hilarious review aside, I've actually heard some good things about this one.

    Thanks Mistress, you just made me laugh my ass off.

  2. The wolves were my main gripe about New Moon, as well as one or two more things. I may have some slight difference in opinion, but I can certainly appreciate that your opinion is your own and should be respected. Hey look me up on Blogger sometime. I'm just starting here so any support would be appreciated.

  3. I find it a little troubling that Twilight is thinly veiled allegory against pre-marital sex. These kids today may never know the hard scratchy caress of a naughty vamp....

    Back in Nosferatu days, vampires were ugly and deformed--sulky.....then they became debonair and then downright sexy, but these Twilight vamps have taken the sexification of vampires a little too far by de-sexifocating them.