The Twilight Saga: New Moon

A philosophical study on the nature of human emotion and integrity in the face of dust and doom, I found this film to be stocked with symbolism as well as an intelligent commentary on the youth in America.

Fuck it, I can't lie. I laughed my ass off the entire two hours and three minutes of this ridiculous movie. Because I like to give every movie a fighting chance to redeem itself, I sat through the entire thing, but I have to tell you, it was pretty hard. Quoting one of my friends sitting next to me, "I was way too sober for this movie." I used Dakota Fanning as the image above because she was the only one in the entire movie who actually gave the impression that she could act. Not only was the acting horrendous, but the special effects were awful. They creators paid no attention to detail whatsoever- I laughed whenever Edward sparkled because only his face was glittering and the rest of his body stayed the same. Even the chest hair. I mean, if I were a vampire, I'd at least want my chest hair to glisten. 

And don't even talk to me about the wolves. The CGI was so cracked out that when the wolves were fighting, they looked like squirrels during a mating ritual. What was supposed to be a tense fight scene turned into balls of fluff rolling around in the grass. Plus, after the first, oh, fifteen minutes I got bored of the slow-mo. Every single fight scene turned into the fucking Matrix. The whole point of watching vampires fight werewolves is to see how fast they can go, not how much editing can be done in post. An example: 

I'm sorry you had to suffer through that. Please wash your eyes accordingly. However, imagine two fucking hours of it. I actually wanted someone to die just so that the dumbass fighting would end and I could leave. I mean, you can't honestly tell me that you just watched that clip and didn't bust out laughing. If you did, I'd call you a fucking liar, or I'd call you this girl: 

I really hope for sanity's sake you didn't watch that entire video.

So here's my diagnosis: Rent it. Rent it when it comes out on DVD for fifty cents. Or put it in your Netflix queue- even better. Rent it and then become incredibly non-sober. I don't care how- that's your personal preference. But when it comes out on video, rest assured, I will post a Twilight Marathon Drinking Game Guide. It's become my mission to help any movie-goer get through this movie. Because I know what you're thinking- it's out, I should see it, I need to give every movie a chance. I know. I have the same philosophy. But sometimes you just need a little bit of support to get through a crisis.

Peace!

The Movie Mistress

Double Feature Friday- Bring in 2010!!

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It sort of goes without saying that today's Double Feature should be movies about New Year's Eve (or Jan. 1st) or ones that have big, dramatic moments around this time period. So I searched the massive collection of films swimming around in my head for my favorites, and for some reason both of them are chick flicks. "That's odd," I said (yes, I talk to myself sometimes- I mean, I do have a blog), and thought about why this would happen. I decided it's because of the whole sharing-New-Years'-with-someone-special bullshit. That's fine, though- if Hollywood accepts it, then I will too. So without further ado...

When Harry Met Sally (1989)

Oh, look, she's all alone on Dec. 31st. Oh wait... she realizes... aww, he does too! And now they're running towards one another.... Best New Years' scene ever. As far as rom-coms go, this one is pretty tolerable. It's unique in that the story is formulaic, but not cliched. When making movies about the differences between men and women, it's hard to get the comedy across without being offensive, and this movie does it perfectly. Meg Ryan proving that a woman can successfully fake an orgasm is hilarious and yet still gets portrays her as a strong, smart woman without making him look like a complete ass. Take that, The Ugly Truth! I don't want any of your chauvinistic bullshit. Aaanyway, I'll just put this here instead so I don't end up belittling more movies through my praise of this one.

The Holiday (2006)

There is no other way to describe this movie except "nice." It has two storylines that both keep you equally entertained, and tries its best to come up with an original plot for once. The two women are strong without being “manish,” as Hollywood likes to portray women having trouble finding men, and the men are neither perfect nor terribly wrong. One of the biggest surprises of this movie is that Jack Black convincingly played a romantic character while still keeping his ridiculous comedy in (because, honestly, if he didn’t, it wouldn’t be Jack Black). The Holiday is special because it doesn’t try. None of the characters are forced on you or overdone, and in that way you get to love them all. The story coasts along so smoothly, and even though you know what will happen in the end, you can’t help but be wrapped up in the conflicts in the middle because you’re already hooked in the current. I would put this as one of the top 5 feel-good movies EVER, because by the time all of them are celebrating the New Year together, you just sigh and smile. It can’t be helped. 

Happy New Year! 

The Movie Mistress

Marnie (1964)

((SPOILER ALERT))

3/10

I have a question for Alfred Hitchcock. Hitchcock, if you've come back from the dead and are reading my blog, were we supposed to just ignore the fact that in the middle of Marnie, Sean Connery fucking RAPES HER? I might be just a tad too forward thinking to enjoy this movie, but I'm pretty sure that even in 1964, rape wasn't really acceptable. It might have been overlooked, or underprosecuted, but I don't think it was accepted. Can anyone who was alive during this time tell me if I'm wrong? I'd really like to know, because it really bothered me that Marnie was raped and attempted to kill herself, and then later Rutland still was seen as her hero. WHAT THE FUCK, Alfred Hitchcock? What the fuck? This is how I summed up the after-effects of that ridiculously terrifying scene:

"Dear, what on earth are you doing?" [insert Scottish accent here]

"Oh, just going for a bout of suicide. It's your fault, you know. You know I hate to be touched."

"Well, don't die for too long. I have to psychoanalyze you later."

Seriously. I think her exact words were, "I was trying to kill myself, not feed the damn fish." And then the events on the Honeymoon were never brought up again!! It was like it was all a dream. That is, if you dream about rape and suicide. No big deal. Just two of the most intense traumatic things that could ever happen in a person's life. Why put them in if they're never going to be talked about again? What's the point? Besides making Sean Connery look like a dick, which, apparently was not the point of this movie.

Now this is what gets to me: I thought that normally in movies, the creep (you cannot deny that a man who says he wants to collect a woman as a trophy because he's caught a wild animal is a creep) is normally exposed or put in jail at the end. Even in Hitchcock movies, the villain normally gets vanquished. But not this time! Oh no, Rutland is seen as her savior, and she actually wants to stay with him at the end! The girl has some serious psychological issues that can't be solved by one night of remembering what happened. You know why? Because HE IS NOT A DOCTOR. He's just a creeper who's obsessed with her and wants to "fix her" so that she'll actually agree to have sex with him. That raping thing is just too damn strenuous. It strains the eyes. 

You can tell that I really did not like this movie. In rating it, I tried to be objective, but even then, I found myself thinking that even the cinematography is not as good as Hitchcock's other films. I think anyone who watches can agree that it's not his best, but the story really set me over the edge. The feminist in me finds it repulsive, and the filmmaker in me isn't impressed enough to override my original disgust. The greenscreens shots were cringingly apparent, and when Marnie flew off of her horse, I actually laughed at the blatant not-keeping-with-momentum special effect. Alfred Hitchcock was fucking loaded at this point- it wouldn't have taken much to hire a physicist to say, "People don't fly that far or straight when they're thrown off of a horse." Done. The only reason it gets a 3 is because of the one brilliant scene with Marnie taking the cash and the janitor making her way towards her on the other side of the partition. That shot alone salvages this movie, and I'm sure Hitchcock has used it before, but to be nice I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. 

Peace!

The Movie Mistress